I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
