just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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