why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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