i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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