dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
