Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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