I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
