I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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