My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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