took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
