i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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