hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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