She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My dad just said "fuck circus"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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