my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
