Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
