my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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