Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
