what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
