Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
