i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
