OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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