These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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