I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
