dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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