I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
