Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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