i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
