I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
