your thong is hanging out like whoa
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
