I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
