apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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