I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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