Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
