She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
