bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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