oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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