he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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