just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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