Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
