i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
