Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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