it hurts more in the daytime
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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