I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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