I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
