Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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