nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
did i walk over a car last night?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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