My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
