Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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