I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
