my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
