My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
