remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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