we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
