i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i believe in u and ur pee
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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